kids say the darndest things.

I made an unpleasant discovery today. Want to know what it was? (That doesn’t actually matter as I’m just going to proceed to tell you anyway.) As life would have it, I did not, in reality, lose my cellular device’s charger like I’ve thought for the past six or so days.  Within these past six or so days, I ordered a new one on Amazon for $9. Shipping and handling cost more than half of this 8 ounced item’s worth, at a steep $5 (!). I wasn’t too perturbed by this little detail until this morning when, about to leave the house to go to Target, my mom called me to her room  asking, “Is this your lost charger?”  And it was. In our haste to meet the midnight deadline upon moving last Tuesday, apparently my mom had shoved it into a black bag full of other miscellaneous cords, chargers and USB ports. Honestly, I could’ve swore on my life that I charged my phone at the first hotel we stayed in, but apparently not. What a mindfuck. Anyway, low and behold, the new one arrived today in the mail. Of course it would pop in the day my original one is rediscovered. Bien fait, Coco.

In other news, I went outside yesterday (tremendous calamity, no sarcasm), against my will.  It took place last night when my sister Kate, her new friend Katie, Katie’s siblings, Trace and Alyssa, and another neighbor named Brandon showed up on the doorstep absolutely begging me to come out and play some idiotic game called “Ghost in the Graveyard.” I refused relentlessly as they persisted, arguing that the game is better with more people. I am the first to admit that I am not an outdoorsy type of person. I strongly dislike sweating, bugs, and getting dirty, which mother nature is indubitably made up of. Katie and Trace pleaded and pleaded as Kate and Alyssa and Brandon just stood there looking on helplessly. After maybe about five minutes of this nonsense, Brandon became extremely irritated, saying I had a crappy attitude and that they should just leave. Unfortunately this did not sway the opinions of little Trace and Katie as they continued by pulling on me and swearing it would be fun. I don’t even know HOW this got started, but Brandon—who’s probably nine years old and has a very strong, obnoxious lisp—started spitting more shit about me. I, being the big, mature person I am, began arguing with the tiny imbecile. He THEN proceeded to step up to me, fists clenched, claiming through his teeth that he was going to “beat me up.” I, in a very sarcastic tone, asked him to try.  He answered by calling his dad from my porch and yelling, “We have a ditzo over heuh, bettah caw dah powice!”

Needless to say, the situation escalated; I insulted the little fucko some more (using generally larger words to be condescending and make him feel even more moronic than he is already), and he threatened to take a knife to me and cut me in half AND shoot me with the “gun” he has (I’m sure you’re thinking what I’m thinking…where does this kid get off?). I patted him on the head and explained to him that swords from TOYS ‘R’ US and squirt guns don’t injure people in actuality. I then told him that I was going to spite him. I don’t think he knows what “spite” means because he said “Good! Dat’s wight, go back inside!” when I went in to get my hoodie and shoes to PLAY THAT FUCKING GAME.  Everyone was thrilled except for little Brandon who looked as if he’d gotten a good hard kick to the gonads. From me, with love.

I don’t particularly mind if what I did was immature. I feel a genuine loathing toward most humans between the ages of 4 and 14. And Brandon (wetahd) happens to be the epitome of everything I hate in a child.

Before I go, I’d like someone to explain to me how in GOD’S NAME did I get mosquito bites everywhere I was clothed. I have one on the side of my foot and my big toe(!), which I received while wearing shoes, one on my hip where I had pants on, and one on my stomach, which was covered by a shirt. Any realistic explanations?

Along with children, I strongly dislike mosquitoes.

Have a nice evening, everyone. x